Innocence

Alivia,

"Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, will set you free" (Mumford and Sons)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the inherent innocence and beauty in infancy. When you were just a few months old I was home alone with you and got a little freaked out by a noise (or something) and wondered if you also were afraid. The realization struck me that in fact, you were not afraid, because you had not yet learned to fear. In my opinion, you do not have the knowledge of good and evil (yet) so as such, there is a pure innocence about you that I long for myself. I wish I didn't fear violence or sickness or worry about money or even get afraid of the dark (metaphorically speaking, of course haha).

You've been sick with a cold and ear infection these past 3 weeks and it broke my heart to see you with crying eyes that questioned me "Momma, why do I feel yucky and why is this happening to me?" Your sickness made me feel sad not only because you were feeling bad but because there's a certain harshness to this world that you had not yet been exposed to. Things aren't perfect all the time; people get sick, people do violent things; there are scary things out there...and someday, you will learn this.

That loss of innocence is so very sad to me but unfortunately it is part of our human condition. For this is what we have brought on ourselves.

"Where is the hope, Momma?", you may ask me and I tell you, there is hope in all of this.

As those lyrics state, there is a love that will set you free. It will not disappoint and although you have the knowledge of good and evil, it will help you choose good, it will help you forgive, it will help you think the best about everyone and it will remind you that there is good still worth living for. Love is a very powerful thing, my sweet baby. As the Bible states: "love covers a multitude of sins" -- how much more powerful is it to choose to love and have joy in the midst of sorrow, fear or darkness? Isn't that exactly how Christ loved us?

So although someday your innocence will be gone, my hope and prayer is that you learn how to truly LOVE because I believe LOVE is greater and more valuable than innocence.

Ephesians 3: 17b-19 says: And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Love you very much.
Momma

To Laugh or Not to Laugh, that is the question....

Livster,
Ok, you crack me up; especially when you don't crack up. See I often try to pull out my best tricks to make you laugh...nothing happens. You stare...or, if I'm really lucky, you a smile pulls at your lips but MAN ALIVE, kid, it is hard to get you to laugh...unless there's a dog nearby.

Although you did some squeals and laugh/coughs at first, you never really did a huge belly laugh until you met Nana and Papa's 2 labrador retrievers. I'll remember your first belly laugh forever: we were sitting around GG's (great grandma struck) house, celebrating Papa's birthday and the dogs start wrestling and barking. All of a sudden, noises that I had never heard before came out of you. Shrieks, squeals of delight and laughs of joy!!! I mean, seriously, if I knew how hilarious you would think dogs are, I would've bought one months ago just to hear you laugh.

For a couple days afterwards, we tried to get the dogs riled up and we'd even bark like dogs to see if that would make you laugh. Nope. Didn't work. It wasn't the same. You can be a tough crowd sometimes :)

A couple of months passed since your first major laugh and we visited Nana and Papa in Illinois. Low and behold, you cracked up laughing at the dogs again and again. Now we can get you to laugh a bit with kissing you on the neck or blowing raspberries on your belly but you don't just laugh at any old thing.

I wonder if you get that from me...I love to laugh and I do laugh a lot BUT if you get me watching tv, I barely crack a smile. In fact, if I smile while watching tv or a movie, that means it was pretty stinking funny. Takes a lot for me to laugh at things that I'm supposed to laugh at. However, I find the most random stuff funny. I'd like to think you are the same; you don't laugh because you're supposed to but you notice things nobody else does and it cracks you up.




So laugh...and laugh a lot. But don't laugh just because you 'should;' laugh because you want to.

Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.


Love, momma

Mother heart of God

Alivia,

Now before anyone gets the idea that I'm all crazy feminist, I don't believe God is a woman :) I do however know that if God said he made man and woman in His image, there are certain characteristics that mothers have that are a part of God's heart...hence the title, the 'mother heart of God.'



Gee golly, I just love that toothless mouth! But I digress...

So the other day I was praying and asking God to show me more of His character. And as He's been doing lately, He did it through my love for you. See your bedtime routine consists of a diaper change, pajamas, nursing, mom and dad singing songs to you (always ending with Jesus Loves Me), and us praying for you and for others. As you sleep and we pray, we get to snuggle and cuddle you. It is the sweetest and saddest time of my day.

I love, love, love to cuddle you and hold you when you sleep. You are so precious; so innocent; so tiny and trusting. I get such a swell of love and emotion in these moments. I'm sad that during these sweet times I have to give you up to your crib for the night. And although I hate to admit it, I kind of look forward to you waking up in the night (argh) so I can snuggle you again. I really love the mornings when you are well-rested and so sweet and smiley...I actually (although I'm tired and want more sleep) LOVE those morning wake ups.



Which brings me to God. In the same way that I love you and long to see you again in the morning, God longs for me to spend time connecting with Him in prayer and worship. He longs for it much more than I long to spend time with you. His love is sooo much stronger; my intense love for you doesn't even do His justice. In the same way I so want to give you a life full of love, protection, joy and blessing, He wants to do the same for you and me even more so.

I truly can't fathom the fullness of the love of God but if His love is stronger than life, death, or anything else in this world, I know He's got a Mother's heart of love.

I love you and so does Jesus.

Love, your momma

Precious Moments

Livy,
I love being your mom. In the past 6.5 months you've given me many precious moments to treasure. These are the moments I wish I could freeze and remember crystal clearly for the rest of my life -- my heart almost hurts with how precious you are to me.

These are the moments I want to remember forever:

Shhhh. The first night of your life your daddy placed his hands on each of your cheeks and shushed you and calmed you down gently as you lay in your bassinet.



Sleep smiles. Although I knew it was an unconscious twitch of your mouth, it was still the cutest thing EVER to that point. After seeing that little smile, I knew it would be the end of me to see you really smile at me and frankly, it was. Can't get enough of your sweet smiles.



Baby burrito -- you enjoyed being swaddled for about 3 1/2 months and after your taste of freedom, you never wanted to go back. So glad we got some pics of your burrito!



Sleeping like a baby. Oh yes, the old laying on your back with both arms up by your head position. I tried it and it's not that comfortable. But when you were a baby, you seemed to love it.




Dreaming of milk. Yeah, you would dream of milk (we think) and make the mouth motions to boot. Cute, cute, cute.

Lazy day naps. For the first 3 or 4 months of your life, I would nap with you on the couch in the living room just about every day. I loved snuggling and hugging you and waking up to you in my arms. No better feeling.



Nursing (no pics of this on the internet!). I love it when you stop eating, turn your head to look at me and then give me a huge smile. You don't care if the milk is squirting you in the face :) I care, but then again, it's so funny, I don't care THAT much.

Pout. Ooooh that pout. This may help you get your way a time or two in your life; it's just so doggone cute.



I definitely could go on and on but something tells me this post is long enough already. Gush, gush, gush. All I can say is that if 6.5 months have given me so many precious memories, I can only imagine what's in store for us. May God protect you and give you a long life, fully of love, laughter, and special memories of your own.

Love, momma

Bringing home baby!

Livy,

Right now my sleep bank has a negative balance. Before you were born, every parent encouraged me to "get as much sleep as you can now because you won't be sleeping once she comes." Well, apparently all of my sleep deposits have been quickly withdrawn. In fact, I was kind of over the top with getting back into the swing of things right after you were born. Next time, I plan on taking naps and sleeping more when family comes to visit those first few weeks. If/when you have a baby, feel free to take a nap while I visit my grandbaby :)

By the time you were 2 weeks old you had already been to Disney's Animal Kingdom with your cousin and on a nature walk to see gators about 20 feet away from us.

Although we had family with us to watch you we DID NOT nap at all. I'm pretty sure I was running on pure adrenaline for those first 2 weeks and I just couldn't get enough of staring at you.

When we visited Minnesota, Mike's best friend's wife just had a baby and we met her at 10 days old. The little newborn was crying and still mixing up days and nights and I easily remembered those days of pure exhaustion, extreme joy, and being at a complete loss for what to do with you when you cried.

You are 6 months old now and still not sleeping through the night. I'm still exhausted some days but it's all worth it when I see you standing up in your crib, smiling that huge, toothless smile as you wait for me to get you out of your crib (sometimes, there isn't a smile but big old tears and my heart just longs to comfort you).

If I were to go back and tell my pregnant self some advice I would say "sleep now because you won't get as much sleep when she's born BUT the time you spend not sleeping with your baby is soooo worth it."

Yes, we've had our struggles (emotionally and physically) with your sleep habits (or lack thereof) but I'm also getting some perspective. These days won't last forever and the times when you wake up in the middle of the night are precious. You are the most snuggly during those middle of the night feedings and you love to cuddle and hug. I will miss those sweet moments the most when you sleep through the night.

Nonetheless, its time for my sleep bank to get a good deposit :)

Love, momma

What's in a Name?

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

I don't know how Adam in the Garden of Eden came up with all sorts of names for animals because I had a hard enough time coming up with one complete name for my little girl. Good thing we had 9 months to figure it out.

Your dad and I wanted to give you a name that meant something special or that signified something about the woman God wants you to be so it was hard to find the perfect name that just seemed to fit. We poured over baby name books and websites and found a few that we liked but nothing that really stood out to us.

During November (I was about 5 months pregnant at the time) our company hosted a HUGE conference on our new campus. Your dad and I camped out in a tent for a week (which was HARD b/c it was FREEZING cold at night and I would have to wake up to go pee in a porta-potty) on the land while working and attending the conference. It was a hard week but a really, really good week as we essentially can say we named you during that conference.

2 things happened: I was chatting with my friend, Samantha, who was trying to help me brainstorm different names for Baby Lenny (that was your in-utero nickname). She ran through a list of quite a few names and separately suggested Olivia and Brooke. Your dad and I had previously considered Brooke as a first name and many other people (Nana, Auntie Em) had offered up Olivia as a name too. But Samantha put the two together saying Olivia Brooke. I immediately LOVED the combo but wanted to conceal my emotion as dad and I had planned on keeping your name secret until you were born.

Also during that conference was my first exposure to seeing Olivia spelled as Alivia. I thought it was unique without being too weird (and there are A LOT of weird names out there these days). So after a few more days or weeks of discussion, your dad and I finally decided on naming you Alivia Brooke.

We felt like Alivia (spelled with the A) was similar in appearance to the world "Alive" signifying "living." You were to be our little "Living Water." Bubbly, active, joyful, life-giving, etc. And, YOU ARE! The cool thing about your name is that Alivia in Spanish means burden bearer. We believe you are going to have mercy and compassion on those less fortunate and help bear the burdens of other people.

We hope you live out and even surpass the meaning of your name, little one. Let your light shine brightly before men!

Let these verses guide you all the days of your life:

Psalm 1:1-4

Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

Love, momma

Birth Story (spoiler alert: she gets born!)

Livy Bean,

One of the most nerve-wracking parts of being pregnant is knowing that at the end, there will mostly likely be a bunch of painful contractions before the little one comes out. Of course everyone says once the baby is out you forget the pain, but still, who wants to look forward of hours of guaranteed pain?? I certainly didn't; it scared the begeebies out of me. I wish I could just close my eyes and viola, you'd just appear. No pain, no work, just miraculous birth. Well, back in the real world, I had to face my fears.

In fact, for 9 months of anxiety about impending labor and delivery, the last week of your womb-life I was pretty ready to go through it all to meet you. I was huge, uncomfortable, anxious and ready to meet you already! In fact, I think its God's grace that women get desperately uncomfortable at the end because they are willing to do anything (including hours of contractions) in order to be un-pregnant again.

So one week before you were born, I went to the doc for a check up, who told me I was almost 3 cm dilated and would most certainly go into labor within the week. Well, I made it that whole week and another visit to the doc who scheduled me for an induction the Monday after the upcoming weekend. I went to the car in tears because I really wanted you to come on your own.

Little did I know that you would start coming mere hours later. Around 4:45pm that Thursday afternoon I started feeling contractions: sharper pains that I never had before. I went to dinner and they didn't go away -- like clockwork I got one every 15ish minutes. I realized, hey, I'm starting labor!!

I called my friend, Cara, who had training in midwifery as she was going to attend your birth and be a labor coach :) She came later in the evening and around 10pm we decided to head to the hospital as contractions (to the best of our timing abilities) were around 5 minutes apart. We called Nana and Papa Struck who were about an hour away to let them know we were on our way -- they came to the hospital around midnight, where I was still in triage, waiting for a room.

---Side story: they asked for a urine sample. In the bathroom, I couldn't find any cups but found a plastic bag (as I later realized was to put the cup in for sanitary reasons) and peed in that. It started leaking all over the floor. Gross. Needless to

say, I finally could a cup and put my specimen in it and had to spend a few mins cleaning my pee off of the hospital bathroom floor. All while having contractions. AWESOME!

Anyways, finally made it into the delivery room but things were progressing very slowly. I think they broke my water around 2:30am on Friday morning because I was only 4ish cm dilated. Slooooow progress! But after they broke my water, oh man, the strength of the contractions increased dramatically as did my back labor. I caved 2 hours later for an epidural, which was the best thing EVER. Drugs = goooooood.

So I was able to rest and relax for the next 4ish hours when I felt the urge to push. Birthing time! I gave a couple practice pushes (which were exhausting alone) and they determined that I was good to keep going. The midwife and nurses got the room ready for "Baby Lenny" to enter the world. I pushed hard for about 45 minutes (about 20 of which I kept asking "am I crowning yet?") and finally, my little Alivia Brooke had entered the world at 10:08am. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I couldn't believe I had actually gone through the labor and delivery and was holding my precious little baby.

Before giving birth I realized that I was willing to go through immense pain to meet my little beloved girl...isn't that the same thing Jesus was willing to do for us? He went through the most incredible pain imaginable (rejection, beatings, unfair trial, torturous death and separation from The Father) to be in relationship with us. That speaks to the unfailing, amazing love of the Lord. Please remember that when you have your own children.

This verse comforted me as your birth approached and speaks about God's faithfulness to me during your birth:

Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Love, your momma

Who are you?

Alivia,

Occasionally I look back at the ultrasounds we got at various points during my pregnancy; I like to compare them to the little baby I see before my eyes to see any similarities. I have to tell you, as much as I loved seeing you on the computer screen, it was still very surreal that YOU were growing inside of me. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to comprehend about the miracle that is a pregnancy: holy smokes, kiddo, you lived in my belly for 9 months!

A few times I freaked out about the images on the ultrasound picture, forgetting that at best they are distorted images of someone floating around in goop. Yet every time your dad and I saw you or heard your heartbeat, we were so excited and in awe of you. We had a hard time imaging what you would look like and what your personality would be like but now I can't imagine anyone different. You are perfect.

My favorite ultrasound experience was my last one; I was about 32 weeks along and they did an ultrasound to make sure you were growing properly (you were). Your Papa Struck was able to come to the appointment with us and it was his first time ever seeing a pregnancy ultrasound b/c they didn't do that kind of stuff when I was being hatched. He stood in awe at the screen, taking in all of the emotion of seeing his granddaughter for the first time. It was a really special bonding moment.

That was also the appointment where the ultrasound tech noticed you had cute chubby cheeks. You have the most kissable cheeks I ever did see.

I always think of Psalm 139:14 that praises God because you were "fearfully and wonderfully made". For a long time I never understood the "fearfully" part of the verse; it just didn't make sense to me. One day God gave me understanding. In a few years you will be able to making "houses" with playing cards. It's a very delicate process that requires precision, patience and perfection. There's an element of fear as one tiny little misstep can make the whole house crumble. It's not a "scary" kind of fear but a careful, reverent, focused kind of fear.

You were made "fearfully" -- with such precise perfection. God cared about every single detail of who you are; from hair and eye color, to body type, to personality and giftings...everything that is YOU. Never lose sight of the girl God was creating while mom and dad got to see you in a sonogram.

Love, mom

Like Mother Like Daughter

Alivia,

It's still so hard to believe that you were growing in that belly of mine. I prayed for you so much because pregnancy is a very delicate thing. Considering I hadn't yet met you, I thought about you more than anyone else; you literally changed my life from the get-go.

As you grew bigger, so did my hopes for you. I sincerely hope that you get the better parts of me and even surpass me in many ways. I want you to have a greater faith in the Lord than I have; I want you to have a greater compassion for people than I have; I want you to love more wholeheartedly than I can; and I want you to be a strong woman of integrity.

Yet there are things in me I hope to pass on to you: wisdom and discernment; joy and laughter (may our house be filled with giggles and fun memories); intelligence and curiosity; and much more.

There aren't even words to express all of the hopes and dreams I have for you but more than anything, I want you to be free to be the person you were created to be. I don't want any rejection, comparison, hurtful word, discouragement or fear standing in the way of you becoming a woman after God's own heart.

As I drove to one of my last doctor appointments, I listened to the song 'Umbrellas' by Sleeping at Last and began to cry (hormones?) because the lyrics perfectly encapsulated the special relationship between a man and wife as they add to their family:

We’ll bring a child into this world, we'll bring a child into this world
And we’ll say the one thing
Everyone should hear:

You were meant for amazing things.

Alivia, you were meant for amazing things.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

Love, your momma

With Child

Alivia,

As far as pregnancies go, I have to admit, I had it pretty easy. Sure, I felt nauseous in the evenings (thank you tomato sauce), had heartburn, bloated EVERYWHERE, waddled, woke up to pee at least once a night, and had a hard time getting comfortable sitting, sleeping or standing, BUT at least I had a healthy little child growing inside of me. That made all the discomfort worth it!

I knew from the beginning of my pregnancy that you were a girl. As I prayed for you in the womb, I almost always referred to you as "she" or "her" and felt like God did the same. Needless to say, the ultrasound tech only confirmed what I knew in my heart to be true about you.

There are other things I believe God revealed to me while you were being formed in the womb. For example, both your dad and I thought you were destined to be a joy-giver to people. Let me tell you, every time I heard the fast "whoomp whoomp" of your heartbeat on the doppler machine, my heart swelled with joy. One evening your dad came home upset about something and in a really crummy mood but as soon as you heard his voice, you began to kick and move. I immediately told him to come over and say "hi" and feel your movements on my belly. He began to talk to you and you moved with every sound of his voice. Nothing I said turned around your dad's mood BUT you were able to do it instantly with a kick of your foot.

We also believed you would be an active little girl. We imagined your running around, playing sports, and enjoying life through activity -- now that we know you, this is definitely true. At 3 months you began to roll over from back to tummy. At 4.5 months, you are on all fours, trying to crawl. You reach for things, squirm around and like to explore the world by moving and shaking. Your parents are going to have to start working out in order to keep up with you.

Being pregnant was fun but having you in my arms is infinitely better.

Psalm 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Love, your momma

Let's Start at the Very Beginning (a very good place to start)

I always knew I would be a mother. I just assumed when I got married I would have babies, stay at home with them, and love being a mom. Then I got married and decided it was smart to wait a year before making any kiddos....a year passed (quickly may I add) but I still didn't quite feel ready to have children. Another year passed and I definitely wasn't getting any younger. Yet, I still didn't quite feel ready to take that plunge...why not??? I love kids; I love babies; I spent years babysitting and loving other people's babies so why didn't I want my own?

Finally in February 2010 I found out my problem: control and fear. I sat in on a teaching by Steve Shamblin, who told me I was controlling things that I needed to give to God. As I prayed later that evening, I instantly knew God was telling me to let go and start a family. See, I always thought things needed to be figured out before having kids; we would need all of the money to pay for the baby stuff, a place for the baby to live, and provision for every need, including college, weddings and braces. Haha! God promised me that He would take care of everything we needed for the baby if I would just make one!

Needless to say, a few months later, after coming from a trip to Haiti, I found out I was pregnant with my first little baby. I was full of so many emotions: joy, excitement, nervousness, fear, and peace. I knew for a fact that this little baby was fully desired by me, Mike, and God.

Looking back now, I am so excited to watch my little girl grow up, knowing that God loves her so much, He had to tell her momma to make her! What a little gift she is to me and to Mike -- I am so grateful for the goodness of God to me -- I am reminded every day how wonderful it is to follow His plans for my life when I look at her.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

A Mother's Heart

I'm starting this blog as a way to share memories and life lessons with my little girl, Alivia Brooke. I watched an episode of Oprah where a mom dying of cancer left her daughter with video and cassette recordings full of wisdom, teachings, and life lessons (plus a whole lot of love!) for her to remember her mom by after she was gone. I loved the idea of journaling things I want to pass on to Livy as she grows up -- I don't want to forget the precious moments of our lives together.

So the name of this blog is Letters to Livy. She's only a sweet baby now but someday, I hope to share my stories and my wisdom with her. I want to tell her all about the love of God and all that He has done for us as a family so that she may love Him and serve Him all the days of her life. That is my hope and my prayer.

One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. Psalm 145:4